


Shine your light on me

by NeverlandAwaitsUs



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: F/M, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:28:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24146662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverlandAwaitsUs/pseuds/NeverlandAwaitsUs
Summary: Reader has a relapse and depression is washing over her again but this time, she has JJ by her side, an unexpected soldier to help her fight the war inside her head.
Relationships: JJ (Outer Banks)/Original Female Character(s), JJ (Outer Banks)/Reader, JJ Maybank x Reader, JJ x reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 49





	Shine your light on me

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Mention of depression, self harm and scars
> 
> This goes to all the people battling with mental health problems. Take care of yourself, please. You are important and worth it.  
> This fic starts quite heavy with a description of depression and dealing with it but has a sweet ending, so it’s more angsty to fluffy and safe to read if you think you can handle the topics. I don't want to romanticize the subject at all, but you don't win a war alone. Talk to someone if you need help. It doesn't matter if it's a family member, your partner, a friend or a therapist.

There it was again, that feeling you hated more than anything else.

You’ve been fine for weeks. Everything had been okay and now? Now every joy had been sucked out of you by that void of darkness that was about to swallow you back in.

Your room was dark, you didn’t want to see the sun, you didn’t want to be reminded that it was summer and you were supposed to enjoy this time where you didn’t have to worry about school.

School has always been a constant pressure on you. Get good grades, graduate as the top of the class, be better, do better. You loved your parents dearly but they didn’t understand how much pressure they put on you. The constant reminder that you wouldn’t have a good future without good grades was hanging over you like a dark cloud, following you everywhere.

You’ve pulled so many all-nighters so you’d have enough time to study. You didn’t want to disappoint them, you wanted to make them proud and whenever the grade wasn’t an A you felt like a failure. You didn’t want to fail them, didn’t want to fail you. The fear of not having a good future was always present.

And yet here you were, not being able to do anything because everything had just been too much lately. You wanted to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good student but you failed at all of them with your current behavior. You knew and you hated it.

Thankfully your parents were on a business trip, leaving you alone. You had been fine when they had left two days ago but today you woke up and everything had changed. The darkness that you thought you had left all those months ago was back and it felt like a fist was hitting your stomach over and over again.

You were feeling sick and had no appetize, the night had been shorter than expected and you didn’t even know if you should cry or just lay here like you were paralized. What was the point of even getting up out of bed today?

The phone in your hand told you that it was already past noon and you groaned. You woke up in the early morning hours when the sun was going up and you didn’t do anything yet. There was no energy to get up and get dressed, no energy to shower or make food.

The void was filling you up and you closed your eyes, your thoughts filling up your brain. The memories of the start of your depression came back and you pressed your eyes shut as if that would help them make away.

It didn’t. You saw those memories of sleepless nights, lots of tears and blood running down your arms, it all flashed before your inner eyes. Tears were in your eyes now, as always. It was always starting like that. First you’d just spent hours doing nothing except staring at the ceiling and then you’d think, think, think until you saw all those memories you’ve tried to forget and start crying. After that it only went downhill.

You put an arm over your eyes and felt the wetness run down your cheeks. You didn’t want to be like this, you didn’t want to feel like you were broken and needed fixing once again. Nothing could fix you except yourself but how do you do that with no energy left in your body?

The tears were flowing down your face and you could do nothing to stop that.

“I’m sorry”, you sobbed as if someone would be there to hear you.

It was a sorry to your parents, an apology that you knew you should do better and you knew you should be a better daughter.

It was a sorry to your friends, an apology that you knew you’ve not been the best friend and they have to put up with you anyway.

It was a sorry to your teachers, an apology that you’re not getting the best grades even though they are good at their job.

It was a sorry to yourself, an apology that you had those dark thoughts again and didn’t take care of yourself enough.

When you lifted up your arm you couldn’t see much but you knew those faint scars were there. You were so ashamed of them and yet, there was no way to hide them here in Outer Banks. It was way too hot, you’ve tried wearing a long sleeve at the beginning and were happy about every rainy day so you didn’t need an excuse to wear them and yet, it was hopeless. One day you’d cave and show the world what you had done and you could do nothing against it.

A knock at the door made you groan and you chose to ignore it. Probably just the neighbor wanting to get some milk as usual.

You were really not in the mood and didn’t have the energy to get out of bed. You knew you should to, so you could distract yourself but your head was feeling like it would explode, your nose was closed up from crying and your eyes were probably red like you’ve just taken the longest line of some drugs to fuck you up.

There was this feeling of not wanting to feel at all. The feeling of having too many and too little at once. The feeling of drowning and not being able to breathe or think.

This time it was the doorbell and you pressed your pillow to your face, hoping it would be over soon. It was too loud and thankfully silent after a moment only to hear a knock at your window. You couldn’t see outside, the blinds were down but you wanted to kill that person right now.

“(y/n)? It’s me!”, you heard a male voice and swallowed hard.

It was JJ.

You haven’t been with the Pogues for long as you’ve moved here only a couple of months ago. Your parents had thought that moving could help you get out of your toxic environment and help with those feelings you’ve been feeling back then and it really did, for a while.

Everything had been new and exciting and you had a fresh start away from all the people who knew what you had done, away from eyes that were judging you. And maybe, just maybe, your parents had left because they were ashamed of you too. That’s at least what your head was telling you and you wanted to scream at it to shut up but you knew it wouldn’t.

You were wondering what JJ was doing here, were you supposed to meet? You had become close those last weeks even though you barely hung out with them. It was hard to do with long sleeves or even a long sleeves T-Shirt while everyone else was in bathing suits.

“I know you’re there, can I come in?”, he asked and yeah, of course he would know. Your shoes were outside the front door, your bicycle still leaning against the garage and where else would you be anyway?

‘Suit yourself’ was something you’d say if your throat wasn’t so closed up. You didn’t care if he was here or not, you may not want to see any people but then again, JJ was special. Ever since you’ve met him that blonde boy had made you laugh in a way no one else ever did.

You heard the front door open and still lay in bed without your blanket over you because it was too damn hot but also too cold at the same time. When the door to your room opened you groaned and threw your arm back over your eyes, the light too bright.

“What’s going on?”, he asked as he walked over to the windows to pull the blinds up. You hated him as soon as the room lit up with those beautiful rays of sunshine.

“I’m not feeling well”, you mumbled and he frowned at you, lifting your arm up to put a hand over your forehead.

“No fever at least”, he said and chuckled slightly.

“What do you want here?”, you asked and pulled the blanket back over your body, heating up instantly.

“Just checking on you. We were supposed to meet up four hours ago but you never showed up so I wanted to see if you’re okay”, he explained and looked up and down your body. He was a smart boy, he probably knew that something was wrong.

“Yeah, as I said, I’m not feeling too well but I’ll be fine”, you sighed and gave him a fake smile which made him clench his jaw.

“Tell me what’s going on”, he asked suddenly and you blinked at him confused for a moment before shaking your head.

“As I said, I’ll be fine, nothing is going on.” If there was one thing you could do, it was lying about your current situation. You had been doing that so many times before.

“I’m the master at saying I’m fine even when I’m not. You can’t fool me. A fake smile doesn’t help when your eyes are telling a whole other story.” You swallowed hard at those words and especially when he sat down on your bed, looking sternly at you. You knew about his shitty home life but so far, no one had ever looked behind the facade you were putting on.

Tears started to swell up in your eyes again and he saw that, moving over a little to grab your hand in his. “Hey, you can tell me”, he whispered so carefully as if you might break when he was too loud.

“It’s too much”, you started to sob, not even knowing why exactly you started crying again right now. “I feel like a failure. I can’t do anything right. My depression is coming back and I don’t know how to stop this.”

“Oh, princess”, he whispered and pulled at your hand to make you sit up so you could wrap his arms around your body that seemed so fragile right now. You wrapped your arms around his body too, pressing your against him like he was the only thing that kept you from drowning.

You’ve never told him about your depression, about your dark past and yet, it had kind of all spilled out and he didn’t seem to judge at all.

“C’mon here”, he suddenly said and reached under you to lift you out of bed. You didn’t say anything, just pressing your head against his shoulder, hoping he wouldn’t look into your red eyes. You didn’t want him to see you like this and yet, you knew he wouldn’t leave until you’ve felt any better.

Only when your feet touched the cold tiles of the bathroom you opened your eyes again and looked at him. He had a soft smile on his lips while biting his bottom lip.

“You should take a shower”, he simply stated and nodded over to it.

“You saying I stink?”, you said with a sad laugh, trying to cheer up the mood somehow. He gave you a crooked smile and shook his head.

“It’s called hydrotherapy. I’ve uh, heard about it a while back. You have to take a short cold shower, to free up your mind and it also stimulates all those anti-depression hormones. Try it, I’ll wait outside”, he said and patted your head, a touch you’d be missing soon enough.

You’ve never heard of hydrotherapy before but maybe it would help. The fact that he knew about this was quite impressive to you.

When he was about to leave you grabbed his arm to hold on to him. “I can’t.” You bit your bottom lip when he turned around to yourself, you could barely even stand on your own right now, your legs feeling so weak. “Please, stay? I have no energy to do it on my own.”

It was so embarrassing but you’ve told him what was going on, might as well show him the weakness you were feeling deep inside. For some reason, you felt stronger with him by your side.

He nodded and sat down on the bathtub, trying to look away as you tried to take your shirt off but you just let out a frustrated groan when your arms felt like they weren’t even your own limbs anymore.

“May I?”, he suddenly asked and stood up and you just nodded with a whine.

JJ reached for your shirt and pulled it over your head, eyes avoiding to look at your now bare boobs. You appreciated that even though you wouldn’t mind. Maybe it would help with your self confidence if he’d look at you like he wanted you. No one had ever looked at you like that. You’ve never been pretty enough, funny enough, good enough.

He pulled your pants down and you stepped out of them, crawling into the bathtub with the attached showerhead.

“I don’t think I can stand up for so long”, you said as you were crouching in the tub like a little kid. You felt like one, so small, so helpless, at the mercy of your own feelings and weaknesses.

“Alright then but don’t hit me now”, he said with a soft laugh and took his shirt off before getting into the tub and pulling you up. It almost felt like he was pulling you up from your own misery to a safe place, called his arms. He wrapped one arm around you and pressed you close to his body before turning the cold shower on.

You screeched as soon as the cold water hit your skin and he just took in a sharp breath. Your hands clung to him as if letting go would somehow wash you away.

“I fucking hate you”, you mumbled into his chest while your whole body was trembling from the cold but you couldn’t deny that it actually made you feel better, even if it was just a little bit.

“That’s fine with me.” He laughed and pressed a kiss to your head. Suddenly, your body was feeling warm again and you blushed, thankful he couldn’t see it.

The shower didn’t take long and he got out first, lifting you out of it and making sure your feet were on the small carpet in front of the bathtub this time.

He grabbed a towel and didn’t even give it to you but started to dry you up himself. It made you smile because you knew you wouldn’t be able to do it properly.

You closed your eyes when he reached your arms, knowing that he would see those scars there, already expecting a comment about them but he didn’t say a thing during the whole process until he handed you the towel in the end.

“You uh..have to dry the lady parts yourself”, he said with a cough and left the bathroom. You laughed softly at his words and dried the rest of you, wrapping the towel around your body. You could even muster up the strength to brush your hair a little. Daily tasks could sometimes be so overwhelming, so you were proud you managed to do that.

The shower made you feel more awake and more alive but the dark thoughts wouldn’t leave. Memories were still flashing a little before your eyes and you walked out of the bathroom to find JJ. When he was around, it stopped, at least a little.

He was standing in front of your wardrobe and pulled a few things out, carrying them over to your bed.

“I think that should do”, he said and nodded at you with a smile while you took the clothes he had picked. Some of your favourites. Boy had taste. When you looked back at him you saw how he had turned around so he wouldn’t see you get dressed. Silly, he had just seen everything and now he acted like he would see too much?

Thankfully you managed to do it on your own and while you dressed yourself you looked at him, chuckling slightly. “Your pants are dripping on my floor.” He had only taken his shirt off for the shower but not his pants. They were swim trunks but still dripping quite a bit.

“Uh yeah, sorry about that”, he mumbled and you laughed a little, the mood cheering up a little more now. You had no idea what it was about him but when he was here, you felt better. You’ve never realized how he made you feel until today, until the day you needed him the most.

“Okay, done”, you said and sounded almost proud. Normally, you wouldn’t have made it. Even back in the bad and horrible days you barely managed to do anything on your own, especially not shower or get dressed. Sometimes the most you did was go pee.

“Great”, he said and also sounded quite proud of you. He came over to you and lifted you back up in his arms, carrying you over into the kitchen.

JJ had been here before so he knew his way around. He placed you on a seat at the kitchen island and started to look around.

“Why are you doing this?”, you suddenly asked as you leaned on the counter, still feeling insecure about everything.

“Do what?”, he asked back at you like it was the most normal thing to act the way he did right now. No one had ever done this for you.

“Taking care of me”, you mumbled and sounded once again ashamed of yourself.

“Because you’re not doing it, so I’ll do it.” Those words tightened your throat when you wanted to swallow and a new tear left the side of your eye but you wiped it away quickly.

He took care of you because you didn’t do it yourself.

JJ started cooking in your kitchen and as soon as that wonderful smell of scrambled eggs came close to your nose your stomach started to growl loudly. You may not want to eat because you’re not feeling it but your stomach had a whole other opinion on that.

“Food is important”, he said as he put the eggs on a plate and grabbed the well done toast from the toaster and placed it in front of you. “Try to eat, okay?”

You swallowed but nodded, afraid you might not be able to keep it down. The first bite was hard to get down your throat and your stomach made a loud noise again, you were not sure if it was yelling to stop or telling you to continue.

JJ watched you the whole time you were eating and smiled at you. Seeing that smile helped you empty the plate.

“Good job”, he said with a grin and as ridiculous as it sounded, the praise felt good. It was nice to hear someone praising you for such simple tasks and not just when you got a good grade.

“Think you’re okay with walking now?”, he asked carefully as he put the dishes aside and held out a hand to you to help you get up from the chair.

“Yeah, I guess the shower woke my body up”, you said with a nod and he grinned. You took his hand and stood up. To your surprise he didn’t let go of your hand and walked outside with you.

The fresh air felt like fog to your brain for a moment but soon enough you felt energy returning to your body. The wind around your hair and the sun on your face made you smile.. He stopped at the garden swing on your patio and sat down with you, using his legs to make it swing forth and back a little.

It was relaxing but the thing that relaxed you most was his presence.

“Life can suck”, he suddenly said and looked over to you, his blue eyes locking with yours. “Some wounds show on the body.” He placed a kiss on the scars covering your upper left arm and it made you shiver. You thought of these scars as the most disgusting thing about your body and yet he was here, kissing them like they were normal. “But some are only on the inside.” He placed a kiss on the top of your head.

You swallowed hard and tried to keep the tears inside. How could he be so sweet with you? You weren’t worth his attention like this.

“I also know how exhausting it is to pretend you’re fine. You don’t have to pretend with me, you know? I’ll be here if you need me. I promise.” He wrapped his arm around you and pulled you close, so you placed your head on his shoulder and closed your eyes.

It was good to listen to his smooth voice, soothing you while you were slowly swinging forth and back.

“It sometimes just feels like my life is falling apart again. I don’t want it, it’s like-” You struggled to find the right word to describe what was going on in your head.

“War?”, he finished your sentence and you nodded. Yes, it was like a war inside your head, your logical side against all those feelings and emotions you weren’t able to control.

“Yeah, you either win or die trying. I’ve won once but it came back anyway. I’m scared I won’t make it this time”, you mumbled against his shoulder and started to breath in sharply, his smell filling your nose and calming you down before you could think too much.

“You can win again. I’ll fight with you if you let me”, he whispered and pressed another kiss to your head.

You were convinced you could win this war once again now that JJ was by your side.


End file.
